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14 April 2014

The Liberal Party’s broadband policy explained

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Category Satire

An important announcement about the future of broadband in Australia.

We interrupt our usual random technical trivialities to bring you an important announcement from the Minister for Mis-communication, Malcolm something-or-other, we’re not sure, we’d look it up, but our ADSL has dropped out again, and as usual Telstra refuses to fix it. Anyway, apparently this is what you need to know about the current state of broadband in Australia, and the Liberal Party’s grand technological vision for the country…

From the desk of The Minister for Mis-communication:

Dear nerds, journalists and welfare bludgers,

It appears once again my intentions are being misunderstood.

Once again allegations of hypocrisy and lying are being unfairly leveled against me, just because in opposition I consistently criticized the Labor government for proceeding with a Fibre To The Premises National Broadband Network without a cost-benefit analysis, and now in government I’m doing the same thing, and proceeding with my alternative Fibre To Nowhere Hodgepodge Broadband Network without a cost-benefit analysis.

I think there may be some confusion out there on where the Liberal Party of Australia — a division of News Corp (NASDAQ: NWS) — actually stands on broadband and technology issues. So let me try and clear things up for all you computer nerds and clueless tech journalists.

The Coalition’s Plan for better broadband is basically this: go work down the mines.

Forget about the internet, and just go work down the mines.

All you geeks and porn addicts and journalists — all of you put away your computers and phones and tablets, and go get a real job down the mines.

Because the only thing Australia is good for is mining. Just mining. That’s all our current and future prosperity should be linked to. We as a country should just focus on mining.

Because if there’s one thing the Global Financial Crisis taught us, is that there is no need to diversify or hedge risk if you’re onto a sure thing, and mining is as sure as houses and mortgage backed securities. And anyway, if something does go wrong, we now know any economic problem can be solved with clever financial engineering and endless money printing.

Because what could possibly go wrong anyway? After all, we are in a commodity super cycle that will never end. Australia can dig stuff out of the ground and sell it to the highest bidder forever.

Because we have so much stuff in the ground to dig up that we will never run out, and we will always have willing buyers.

So all of you geeks and bloggers and journalists — stop whining and go work down the mines

Australia is a mining country. We have no need for a modern broadband network, or a technology industry, or even technology. Australia needs fast and reliable broadband infrastructure about as much as it needs a car industry. Or an environment.

So the official position of The Liberal Party on broadband is that you should all go work down the mines.

Forget about the internet. Australia is a technological backwater and that’s the way it should be.

All we’re good for is digging stuff out of the ground and selling it to China, so that’s all we’re going to do.

That’s why we’re so keen to repeal the mining tax and the carbon tax — because all we care about is helping mining companies make as much money as possible. We don’t don’t care about other industries, especially not the technology industry. As if there’s money to be made in technology anyway. That’s why we have no interest in building a modern broadband network that would be a huge benefit to both consumers and businesses — because that would be a waste of money.

Those of you with ideas involving computers and the internet and technology startups — you’re all in the wrong country. We don’t need any of that, because we’ve got mining! Technology is what other countries do. We just do mining. Australia just digs stuff out of the ground. Then sells it to other countries.

Now I realise some of you may be slightly confused, because this might seem a bit different to what we in the Liberal Party promised before the election. We’re sorry you misunderstood us, but you can’t really blame us for your ignorance and lack of cognitive ability. After all, not everyone can be as smart as the Liberal Party.

Before the election, when the Liberal Party promised Australia would get a “fast” and “affordable” National Broadband Network “sooner”, what we really meant was: “fuck you, go work down the mines”.

I don’t know how the Australian public could have misinterpreted that.

If you’re confused, blame the liberal elite media. I know I do.

It was their fault, all those stupid tech journalists, falsely getting your hopes up by misrepresenting Liberal Party policies — mainly by reporting the Liberal Party actually had serious policies. It should be pretty obvious to everyone by now that we don’t, and never did. I’m sure those journalists won’t make the same mistake again.

Those critics accusing me of hypocrisy and dishonesty just can’t see the big picture. Our broadband policy is entirely consistent with our policy framework in other areas. For example, our policy for employment, which forces the unemployed to go work down the mines. And similarly the Liberal Party’s version of the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS), which will force disabled people to go work down the mines.

Then there’s our education policy. I know what you’re probably thinking — that we’re going to force children to go work down the mines. Don’t be silly. That would be cruel and uncaring. The Australian Liberal Party is all about kindness and goodwill. That’s why as part of our new education policy, we will force children to work as Dickensian chimney sweeps. That will prepare them to go work down the mines when they grow up. It’s this kind of forward thinking that distinguishes the Liberal Party from all that profligate Labor scum. Everyone in the Liberal Party should get knighthoods for coming up with such progressive policies and being so in touch with the times.

So with everyone busy working down the mines, it should be obvious to all but the most obstinate nerds that no one will have time for the internet, thereby making a modern broadband network completely redundant.

Not to mention that we will introduce all manner of draconian legislation to severely restrict the digital rights and online freedoms of all Australians, so that using the internet essentially becomes illegal. Now there’s obviously no point investing billions of dollars to provide everyone in the country with a universally fast and reliable internet connection, if using the internet is against the law. Because it soon will be, now that the Liberal Party are in power.

So any Australians clamouring to download Game of Thrones — fuck off and go work down the mines. There shall be no popular TV show downloads for you while there’s important mining work to be done.

I know that some of you who voted for us might think it somewhat harsh and unfair that we’re forcing everyone to go work down the mines. But what you must understand is now that we have been elected by the people of Australia, we have a mandate to do whatever the hell we want, regardless of what we said before the election, and regardless of what you the people of Australia actually want us to do. That’s how democracy works.

Don’t bother reading the pointless ramblings of uninformed journalists and bloggers. Just accept the fact you elected us and now we will make you all go work down the mines.

The sooner all these stupid journalists in the liberal media get on board with my broadband plan — and go work down the mines instead of writing uninformed drivel — the better it will be for all concerned. After all, they seem quite worked up about how badly I’m screwing up broadband in this country. I honestly think they will be happier to forget about the whole broadband thing and just go work down the mines.

I hope that clears things up.

Now stop reading this shit and go work down the mines.

Vote Liberal bitches.

Sincerely,

Sir Malcolm
Duke of Wentworth
Minister for Mis-communication